How photography changed the way I see my body
First I think is fare to give you a bit of my background story.
I started ballet at the age of 4 years old till I finally had the courage to quit when I was about 14, a savage discipline let me tell you that.
At first I loved it, I had friends doing it with me and it was fun. Sadly we changed instructor for a while, I believe this person had some spare time in hell and decided to come up to Earth to crush some poor innocent souls. She was the complete opposite of what a young girl needs as a role model. From a series of “I saw you eating an ice cream in the town square so now run 50 times around the room” to “I got you a size smaller outfit for the end of year ballet so you can be in shape for it” soon what I, and many other girls in the class, loved turned into our worst nightmare.
Many in the course with me started having all sorts of food disorders and many of us still carry those voices in our heads everyday, sometimes louder sometimes barely even there.
But they are there.
“Don’t judge people due to their bodies, we have all
been through some shit”
There hasn’t been many times in my life were I wasn’t happy with the image the mirror though back at me, I used to spend hours mentally complaining about all the things I wish were a little different…
Never been able to enjoy a meal without thinking about the consequences, or eating so much without thinking only to spend the following days punishing my body with hunger only to balance the twisted scale I created in my head.
It was exhausting!
How photography changed me.
For the past year I have been mainly looking at myself through the lens of our camera, which for someone who’s not so confident about their body being photographed constantly can sound like their worst nightmare, but listen to me for a few more minutes, it will all make sense I promise!
While we were travelling there were times before leaving the house in the morning were I was feeling down and I wasn’t looking at myself in the mirror with kindness at all, not happy with this or that and feeling horrible inside. I still had the strength to say “Whatever, let’s just go“, and leave the house to shoot in a beautiful location we had plan for that day.
Fast forwarding to the evening, I was looking at the photos and videos we took during the day and I swear to you that I loved myself and my body in all of them, yes of course there were many in weird poses or faces but that’s not the point. The point was that I wasn’t seeing all those “imperfections” I saw just a few hours ago and could see again if I stared at my body in the mirror right in that moment.
What does this mean?
It means that the mirror is WRONG!
It means that I didn’t only see the reality of my body but an image that was distorted by the insecurities that nested in my brain.
I started loving the idea of living without mirrors everywhere or sometime no mirrors at all (maybe just a small one in my bag) It was so liberating! While travelling I was seeing only the smaller mirror in the bathroom for weeks at the time and I never spent so little time thinking about my body like in those moments!
I was eating healthy and abundant, I was exercising everyday, I was spending 90% of my time outdoors and all my clothes still fitted me perfectly.
It was incredible!
So now every time I look at myself in the mirror I smile, I compliment myself for being this way, I high five my own image in the morning anything to boost my self-esteem that was crushed for so many years!
And when I have harder days? I acknowledge that, I say “Today I feel like this, it’s not the end of the world‘.
Because it’s the truth, It’s not the end of the world! Our biggest accomplishment should be nourish our bodies to be strong and healthy not PERFECT.
So enjoy that meal, buy clothes that compliment you not the other way around, surround yourself with people that are positive and don’t spend all day complaining about how much they have eaten or how much they need to lose.
Let’s all be a positive image for the younger generations, so that they won’t have to go through what we went through.
With Love
S
